I can take a hint

Since I don't have a swim pass, I have to print and sign my name on a clipboard and pay the lifeguard every time I go into the pool . So last week when I went swimming, I approached the lifeguard to give him my money and he asked me, "Are you over eighteen?" Completely flattered, I said, "Yes, thank you for asking." His next comment? "It's my job." Ouch.

So tonight I walked into the locker room and was greeting by a full moon from none other than Mrs. Potato head herself. Thankfully she was on her way out, as I was on my way in. I started a little late, 9:15-ish, but I had until the pool closed at ten. I quickly threw my three dollars at the life guard who did NOT ask my age, got my little blue paddle board thingy, and jumped in the pool. It was sparsely populated at that hour.

My only company to my left were two girls wearing strategically placed strings and triangles of fabric. It's a good thing they stood in the shallow end the whole time chatting and giggling, and never even attempted to swim because I'm pretty sure I would have regretted purchasing goggles if they had. And to my right was a girl who was being coached by a guy that walked laps along the side of the pool as she swam them. Each time she came up for a breath, it sounded like the coach was stepping on a squeaky toy. I have no idea how someone can be that strained for air and still remain afloat.

Anyway, not long after I got there the bikini sisters bailed, and shortly after their departure Squeaky's coach called it a night...leaving me, the lifeguard and my little blue paddle board. Upon arriving, my goal was to kick non-stop through my 500 meters and I wasn't going to let an awkward situation get in my way! I had about eight laps left when I started to get the feeling like when you are the last person sitting in a restaurant and the entire staff is trying to politely nudge you out the door. Six laps to go and the lifeguard shuts off the music. Four laps, and he's hosing down the pool side, drinking water from the hose, making a fountain into the pool. Three laps to go, and he's on the phone, "Hey man. What are you doing? Yeah, I should be back at my place in about ten minutes, hopefully." Two laps, and he's watching...willing me to get out or drown. I finished my last lap, returned my paddle board to it's rightful place and headed to the locker room. "Have a nice night!" Mr. Lifeguard shouted, a little too loudly and enthusiastically. And once again, I could revel in the showers all to myself.