So it turns out my last post was actually a giant RED FLAG that I wrote off as foolish feelings. Saturday, Sunday and Monday I felt overwhelmed, but under control...almost like something was simmering underneath about to boil over.
Tuesday night I started feeling unexplained and unwarranted feelings of rage. Then the strangest thing happened. I've heard people say, "I just 'snapped'" and now I know what they mean. I felt a physical brain/body disconnect. It was like someone hit a switch in my brain and though I could think rationally, my body shut down to survival. I went into primitive fight or flight mode and started having panic attacks. After standing in the corner and crying, and then laying on the floor and crying, I decided to just go to bed. As I was lying in bed vivid images started flashing in my mind of different ways to kill myself. I had absolutely NO desire to act on them, but they were so real and wouldn’t go away that they really disturbed me.
Wednesday morning I woke up and they were still bugging me so I called my sister and told her what was going on. She told me I needed to take this seriously and get help right away. I was able to call my friend M who came over and stayed with my kids. My other friend J showed up and took me to the local Crisis Center. I met with a counselor there who's evaluation of the whole thing was, "So it sounds to me like you've had a rough week and just need a friend to talk to" and that there was really nothing she could do unless I actually tried to kill myself. Really? She did say one thing that was actually helpful. She suggested that maybe my mind was creating such vivid mental pictures because I had been ignoring every other signal of distress that my body had been sending me. J and I left there a bit frustrated and went out to dinner and just planned to not let me be alone until we figured out what to do next.
Thursday morning the images weren’t so vivid so I thought I would be fine. By noon I knew I wasn’t fine and my friend J took me into the Emergency Room. Thankfully the doctor there took it seriously and was very kind to me. He told me he was proud of me and I had done the right thing. He reassured me that “thoughts like that to a young person are just as harmful as chest pains are to an old person.” They did blood tests to rule out any illness. Then I met with a psychotherapist. I was pre-diagnosed with an anxiety disorder with underlying depression. I met with him again on Monday for a more thorough examination and he referred me to a psychiatrist. Short term they have put me back on anti-anxiety/depression meds, which I have been on before, and have given me some sleep aids.
Long term I will be monitored on these meds and one of our main objective will be to determine if anxiety is causing depression or vice-versa. I will continue meeting with a psychiatrist until who knows when and hopefully soon I will be restored to my happy, sarcastic self again. :)
Actually, I mostly feel fine...as in I can function normally, eat, bathe myself ;) do dishes etc. It is very taxing for me to make decisions, even little things seem overwhelming; and whatever you do, don't expect a coherent conversation or witty banter because you will be sorely disappointed.
PLEASE NOTE:
I am not sharing this for attention, sympathy or to make a big deal out of this situation. I do not want people to tip-toe around me a treat me like a mental case (even if I am) or stop asking me to be involved in things. I do have the capability of saying, "No, I can't handle that right now."
I am sharing this because through this experience I saw so many miracles. I know that God blessed me with His love and supporting arms, family, friends and doctors that could help me when I needed it. My husband has been such a blessing and source of support to me that I feel closer to him now than ever. It made me realize that trying to be "superwoman" can be pretty lonely. God put us on this earth to love and help each other and he especially designed marriage for that reason. Unfortunately it took complete mental incompetence for me to learn that lesson but I'm getting it. :)
3 comments:
I'm SO glad that you were able to get the help you need and that you're doing better. Depression sucks! I've never had anxiety, but can imagine its awful. You're openness is something I've always loved about you. I'll keep you in my prayers! OXO from Texas!!
Shar, that is serious business and scary. I am so glad that you have such supportive friends there to stand by your side when you need them (and of course Lars too). I hope you can figure out what exactly is causing your anxiety and change it up. I'm sorry you're going through this right now. Love ya girl!
Shar,
im a big time creeper and a cousin that you really dont know well. but believe me when i tell you have i have BEEN THERE. a little over 5 years ago i was diagnosed with *severe* OCD, and it was accompanied by equally severe depression. it took me almost getting kicked out of school for me to finally get help - it was so debilitating that i couldnt function in school, at home, in my marriage, and (more importantly) IN MY HEAD. but my husband helped me find the help i needed. for me, it required some intense counseling, behavioral modification therapy, and medication. i went off the meds after 2 years, but went back on after my daughter was born.
im very open and honest about what ive gone through/am going through. there's no room for stigma with this struggle. im so grateful that you had people there to support you and get you what you needed. should you ever need to talk about it again, you can "reply" to me through my profile. keep in there shar. it really does get better.
- nat
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