Leah's Birthday

My sweet little Leah turned NINE on the 20th.  I can't believe she's that old already.  Wasn't she just born?  Thanks to contributions from Grandparents, Leah got everything on her birthday list including her very own camera and a coveted pillow pet. 

We had cake that night with some friends.

The REAL party was Tuesday night. Leah had five gals over.  They made bracelets and had a popcorn/movie party complete with p.j.'s and stuffed animals.  It was relatively calm-ish and all the kids had a great time.  (The adults lived to tell the tale.)

1 1/2 hours after putting her to bed...

Emilia yelled down the stairs, "Hey Mom!  I need you to come up here and pretend you're a sheep so I can count you."

The Demise of the Camera

Yesterday E asked me if she could take some pictures with the camera.  I said sure as this is not an uncommon request.  A few minutes later L came upstairs crying with the camera lens jammed, unable to fully open or close.  E was hanging out in the shadows...gauging our reaction before admitting to any part of the crime.  Thankfully Lars was  home and dealt with the situation because honestly I didn't care.  We bought the camera when E was born and truly it was just a matter of time before it bit the dust.  L and E just happened to be the unfortunate ones holding the thing when it died.

Lars asked L what happened and she tearfully explained that E was trying to take a picture of her and she didn't want E to take one, so she put her hand out and "barely touched the camera" and it jammed.  At this point E thought she was getting off scot-free, but Lars called her over and told them he was disappointed that they were treating the camera as a toy and because of their carelessness it was now broken.  Both girls burst into tears and he dismissed them to their bedrooms to think about it. 

About a minute later, L came upstairs and handed Lars a note. 

Lars called both the girls back upstairs and he told L he was proud of her for accepting responsibility, feeling remorse and then offering to fix the problem if she could.  He suggested they ask me if there were any chores they could do to earn some money.  I just happened to have two neglected bathrooms that are now squeaky clean thanks to L and E :). 

I was very grateful that Lars took the opportunity to turn that mishap into a learning experience.

OK, at least give me 10 years...

Apparently our last conversation wasn't sufficient.  (Refer to previous post.)  At bed time again tonight E asked me, "How do I know if I'm having a boy baby?"  Not wanting to explain the concept of an ultrasound, I told her you just had to wait and see when the baby came out.  "But how will you know if it's a boy or a girl?" she countered, "Babies are zero and don't have any hair."

That IS one of life's great mysteries...

Can we please wait 20 years for this conversation?

One hour after I put Emilia to bed, she came upstairs with a very perplexed look on her face.
E-I have a question for you.
S-What is it?
E-Did we come out of eggs?
S-Uhhhh...sort of.  (Insert MINI version of the birds and the bees here)
E-So what if I have a boy baby?
S-Well, then you'll have a boy
E-But I don't like boys
S-I guess you'll have to learn to love him
E-Well I want ten babies (holding up ten fingers), but I only want ONE boy and the rest girls.  I'm going  to pray for that.  Would you like to pray with me?
S-Sure
E-(arms folded and head bowed ) Heavenly Father, Please bless that I will only have ONE boy and the rest girls.  Amen  Good night Mom!

No Disrespect

All I want to know...is how EVERY homeless person has a permanent marker.  I can NEVER find a sharpie when I need one.  Just sayin'

Tonight Lars picked up Heidi and put her over his shoulder to bring her down to bed.  I looked at her and asked, "Are you a sack of potatoes?"  She answered back, "No!  I Heidi potatoes!"

countdown

Last night I was typing on the computer.  Emilia wanted a turn on the computer and kept asking me when I would be done.  She asked if I would be done if she counted to 20.  I told her to count to 100 (to buy myself some more time knowing full well she doesn't know how to count to 100 yet.)  I continued typing and heard Emilia in the background count up to twenty.  A few minutes later she wandered back over to the computer, climbed up on my lap, let out a dramatic sigh and said in her most pathetic voice,"...one hundred."  She got her computer time.  :)

open book

                                                                 (and no...i did not draw this)
So it turns out my last post was actually a giant RED FLAG that I wrote off as foolish feelings.  Saturday, Sunday and Monday I felt overwhelmed, but under control...almost like something was simmering underneath about to boil over.  

Tuesday night I started feeling unexplained and unwarranted feelings of rage.  Then the strangest thing happened.  I've heard people say, "I just 'snapped'" and now I know what they mean.  I felt a physical brain/body disconnect.  It was like someone hit a switch in my brain and though I could think rationally, my body shut down to survival.  I went into primitive fight or flight mode and started having panic attacks.  After standing in the corner and crying, and then laying on the floor and crying, I decided to just go to bed.  As I was lying in bed vivid images started flashing in my mind of different ways to kill myself.  I had absolutely NO desire to act on them, but they were so real and wouldn’t go away that they really disturbed me.  

Wednesday morning I woke up and they were still bugging me so I called my sister and told her what was going on.  She told me I needed to take this seriously and get help right away.  I was able to call my friend M who came over and stayed with my kids.  My other friend J showed up and took me to the local Crisis Center.  I met with a counselor there who's evaluation of the whole thing was, "So it sounds to me like you've had a rough week and just need a friend to talk to" and that there was really nothing she could do unless I actually tried to kill myself.  Really?  She did say one thing that was actually helpful.  She suggested that maybe my mind was creating such vivid mental pictures because I had been ignoring every other signal of distress that my body had been sending me.  J and I left there a bit frustrated and went out to dinner and just planned to not let me be alone until we figured out what to do next.  

Thursday morning the images weren’t so vivid so I thought I would be fine.  By noon I knew I wasn’t fine and my friend J took me into the Emergency Room.  Thankfully the doctor there took it seriously and was very kind to me.  He told me he was proud of me and I had done the right thing.  He reassured me that “thoughts like that to a young person are just as harmful as chest pains are to an old person.”  They did blood tests to rule out any illness. Then I met with a psychotherapist.  I was pre-diagnosed with an anxiety disorder with underlying depression.  I met with him again on Monday for a more thorough examination and he referred me to a psychiatrist.  Short term they have put me back on  anti-anxiety/depression meds, which I have been on before, and have given me some sleep aids. 
Long term I will be monitored on these meds and one of our main objective will be to determine if anxiety is causing depression or vice-versa.  I will continue meeting with a psychiatrist until who knows when and hopefully soon I will be restored to my happy, sarcastic self again. :)

Actually, I mostly feel fine...as in I can function normally, eat, bathe myself ;) do dishes etc.  It is very taxing for me to make decisions, even little things seem overwhelming; and whatever you do, don't expect a coherent conversation or witty banter because you will be sorely disappointed. 

PLEASE NOTE: 
I am not sharing this for attention, sympathy or to make a big deal out of this situation.  I do not want people to tip-toe around me a treat me like a mental case (even if I am) or stop asking me to be involved in things.  I do have the capability of saying, "No, I can't handle that right now."  

I am sharing this because through this experience I saw so many miracles.  I know that God blessed me with His love and supporting arms, family, friends and doctors that could help me when I needed it.  My husband has been such a blessing and source of support to me that I feel closer to him now than ever.  It made me realize that trying to be "superwoman" can be pretty lonely.  God put us on this earth to love and help each other and he especially designed marriage for that reason.  Unfortunately it took complete mental incompetence for me to learn that lesson but I'm getting it. :)